Do it for You

"Travel, my friend. See the world, or at least some bits of it. And don't wait because you don't know what's down the road.

It's not the "big" moments you'll remember -- standing under the Eiffel Tower or the Statue of Liberty. It'll be the little moments -- watching her squeeze into a doorway in Florence trying to stay out of the rain, smelling a giant flower in Belize, or having the sunlight catch her as she walks down some side street in New York City you'll never get back to. That's where your life happens, and those are the things you'll keep close -- those few seconds that nobody else saw. Those are yours and yours only." Read this earlier before you called me, it was in the comments

Sometimes we should stop, and consider what we want from the world.

 A good job? A house? Kids? Money? Success? Love? Happiness? 

They are all possible whether one is stand alone or they are all combined.

 But for me, I want to see the world, ('at least some bits of it') before I have kids and settle down with a mortgage to pay. I want to laugh in the moonlight in a foreign country with the person I share my heard with. I want to get lost down awful side streets together, and bicker about directions. I want to lie on a beach and snorkel with fish. I want to eat pizza in Italy, and try snails in France. I want to go to Disneyland and act like a kid. I want to lay in an ice hut under the stars, I want to see the Northern Lights, I want to cosy up in Scotland and search for the Lock Ness Monster, I want to go to a full moon party in Koh Phangan, I want to volunteer with children before it comes my job.

Who knows what life will throw at me, maybe these end up distant dreams rather than reality, but they are all achievable with time and effort.

The rest will follow.

Rest finally came.

My last grandparent passed when I was in Primary Seven. I remember at the funeral I was crying a lot, I looked at my mum and dad and what strength they had to keep the tears from their eyes. More recently, a dear man I have know all my life also passed. The funeral was last December, and was the first that I had been to since my grandma's. The pain in his wife's eyes was there for all to see, but she remained composed, greeted and talked to all there with a grace and strength that i'll never forget. That day I looked at her and was in awe of her bravery.

I don't really want to write about this, but then again it's a massive life event that I never want to forget. On the 18th April 2015, my beautiful mothers 2 year battle with cancer slipped to a close.

My mum, Christine was the most inspirational person in my life and as well as being my mother, I often described her as one of my best friends.
Once diagnosed with Cancer everything happened remarkably quick and I will forever hold the nurses in the Macdermott Ward at the Ulster Hospital in my heart for the care and attention they give each patient. They would always take the time to talk to, and get to know these individuals at the hardest and most vulnerable stage of their life and while mum found going for chemo hard it helped her to know there were people who genuinely cared for her there.

Though many different chemo sessions there were many horrible side effects of treatment and though each one of these she always managed to remain positive and get through them with a smile on her face. Though out all this she continued going to sessions in her book club, bought a bike and went on many a ride with her lovely friends, bought her friends tickets to a Michael Buble concert where they all had a great night out. She supported and encouraged me on my 8 month trip to Cambodia, and while it must have been hard for her she loved hearing stories about the children and I felt support from her through my whole time there. The strength and courage she showed was one I admire so much.

Recently her discomfort was more obvious to friends and family and while she wanted to get up and go about normal business, she found her lack of ability frustrating. However when people came over she was always positive and optimistic.

On Friday 17th April, after returning home at 10.30 pm I got a call from the nurses saying mum was asking for me. As much as I was scared and hurting inside, I was glad to be there with her and I held onto her hand the whole night. At 9 in the morning she wanted me to get my brother and bring him up. Before I left, she lifted her head, looked at me said the words to me that she has said hundreds of times before 'I Love You', to which I replied  as I always did "I Love You More'.

At approximately 12 noon she passed away silently and peacefully in crisp white sheets with a ray of sunlight shining over the bed. There was no cry of pain, nor struggle of breath as I had feared. My brother and I knew, but didn't say anything. The nurses came in about ten minutes later and confirmed what we already knew. My beautiful mother was no longer with us.

After that everything is a blur. Though I felt a weird sense of relief. Relief that she was in no more pain, that she didn't have to endure hospital visits or home visits, or scans, or doctors. Relief that she no longer had to deal with her fears, anxiety's and worries. She was free from it all, and rest finally came.

I didn't speak at the funeral, as many Quakers would, and many people (quaker and non) did. My brother spoke absolutely wonderfully and I am so proud of him, and my dad spoke equally well. I felt like if I spoke I would be doing it for other people rather than myself, as the stuff I want to say and am most proud about of my mum, she wouldn't want advertised. I surprised myself though, remaining composed through the service which I didn't think I would. I mirrored the strength of my parents when I was younger and of my dear friend in December, and showed the strength my mum would have had.

Things are different now, not good. or bad. Just different.

I feel sad that my future husband never got to know her properly, that she won't get to see my brother and I graduate or have children. I am devastated that my future children/nieces/nephews will never get to meet their grandmother because I know she would have spoilt them rotten.  Though what they will have is the stories, of how lovely and kind and generous she was.

RIP my beautiful angel, be watching over us. You will forever be in our hearts and will always be my best friend. x

I was planning on getting mum a drawing made of me and her, with the words

"All I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my mother', 

I still hope to get it to remind me of the person I want to be in the future and so everyone knows that i'm only awesome because of her.

Girl Rising

I've had a bad day, and now have a sore head. Netflix is open in the background but nothing is catching my interest. Accidentally my finger clicks and a video opens *drat*. I go to close it then decide to reply to a message on Facebook. A few minutes later and my ears prick up and the mention of the word 'Khmer'.

Anyone who knows me, knows I lived in Cambodia for 8 months. I look back with fond memories and often have a longing to be able to give those people who I called my friends there a massive massive hug. One such friend, who i've exchanged phone calls with since getting back is my beautiful girl Channa.

Upon hearing 'Khmer' (a word for the people of Cambodia) work my finger immediately locates the tab where it is playing. Upon catching a glimpse of this girl I recognise her. The story matches up. There's an uncanny resemblance. It's Channa's sister who I was lucky enough to met once while visiting the centre where they live.

As I watch the video hearing the background of this girl I classify as a friend tears came to my eyes. I never wanted to ask her background before though was always interested and now I know.

It seems the world is so small. Here is a link to a different video but one played at the 2011 World Conference where Channa's sister, Sokha, who was in the documentary Girl Rising was invited to attend and here met Michelle Obama!

http://girlrising.com/blog/10x10-at-women-in-the-world/

It's a small, unfair but yet beautiful world. I couldn't be more proud to know these girls, their courage, determination and strength is a real encouragement and puts my bad day in perspective.

Picture from http://international.wwu.edu/girlrising.shtml

The documentary features 8 other girls' stories from Afganistan, Egypt, Ethiopia, Haiti, India, Nepal, Peru,  Sierra Leone. This documentary is well worth a watch.!

When were you last happy?

Pitching this question to my parents and brother at lunch today, neither of my parents could remember and my brothers reply was 'now, because i'm cooking sausages'.

I am someone who gets happy easily. The prospect of sometime not remembering the last time I was happy, for me, is a frightening thought. I have two best friends who I am so grateful to have, and just being with them makes me happy. Last night I went bowling, that made me happy. I love having people over, never for anything terribly exciting, I just enjoy the company and chatter of other people.

Happiness is more than just hanging out with friends though, the Oxford Dictionary definition of happy is 'Feeling or showing pleasure or content'. 

My challenge for you make a list each day of a few things that made you smile during the day. Even if the list is full of small things, when you look back at the end of the day maybe it wasn't so bad after all. This could be especially useful if you have had a bad day, are feeling really down or just need a little pick me up at the end of the day.

Some people say they have nothing to be happy about, ultimately every person faces different struggles and hardships but it is up to them to look at the individual beauty that can be found in simple every day life. e.g. the sun, the landscape, the person they share their life with. 
This picture found on Pinterest shows some of the ways people can find happiness in their lives.
As a self assessment things I do from this top half are; have gratitude, live with balance, forgive, accept others as they are and for the most part I live simply.




Not everyone can be happy 100% of the time; it's just not possible. As well as getting happy easily I also get worried or sometimes can feel quite down. As I acknowledge this happens to me I have learnt how I can deal with it and/or the mood will pass. Often just trying to turn the situation on it's head and looking at the positives rather than the negatives will help.
To balance my positive elements of happiness things I do that have a negative impact on happiness are; I compare my selves to others, worry about money, don't do what I love.
Sometimes I feel held back to be myself incase those people I hang out with think i'm immature. I have a longing to be adult, grown up, I have my own house and can host a dinner party, but sometimes am still afraid to let my guard down.


So while I would judge myself as a happy person, I know there are still plenty of things I can do to make me happier. I strive to care less about those things that could make me unhappy and concentrate more on the negatives.

Last night I ate pizza and went bowling. That made me happy.
Last night I was walking in the dark only own at night while it was raining, I sang out loud. That made me happy.
Last night I was with 4 good friends. That made me happy.

When were you last happy?

Ed Sheeran Concert - 8/10/14

Photo from music scene.ie

Have you ever seen anything so great?

On Wednesday the 8th of October I had the absolute privilege of seeing Ed Sheeran perform live at the Odyssey Arena in Belfast. We only booked tickets a week before, and therefore got restricted seating however even despite this fact the view was pretty good... It just meant that we couldn't stand up.

His whole performance was absolutely breath taking from the the minute he stepped on stage. Using a guitar loop pedal he recorded the different bits needed and layered it up (amazing use of technical language) to make one amazing sound.
The first time I saw a loop pedal being used was at the trans festival in the Waterfront Hall back in 2011, and to be fair, they didn't make the best use of it.  Ed on the other hand was flawless.

Until next year Ed.
p.s. marry me?

Some of my Favs

It's been almost 2 months since i've returned home from Cambodia and i've only just got myself sorted out. University is upon me and while I am enjoying it I see pictures on Facebook of people who are still touring about SE Asia or other wonderful places around the world - and by joe am I jealous!

I've posted most of my favourite pictures already but these are a few that are special to me. I'm not going to post a description of each photograph, let your imagination run wild.

So that's it. Cambodia is officially over - no more will be said about it... ever...

I'm in a boat.

Imagine you're in a boat sailing down a long river. 

At the start of the journey at the top of the mountain the river is just a trickle, following the path is easy; the stream is slow and all you have to do is stay in the boat and follow it. Over time the river gets a bit wider, you have to navigate to stay in the middle and keep on track. Eventually other streams join your stream, these new streams have all come from different places and the water may be a bit different, but your paths cross and now you are in the river together. As the river grows bigger still there's some rapids. You have to manage to stay in your boat to get over these rapids and also ensure that the others get over the rapids.
Overcoming these problems, eventually you meet the sea, a vast ocean of opportunities. Which way to go?

I'm not someone who finds making decisions easy. I like being at the top of the stream, where all you have to do is follow it. Once other people join your life you have to work out how to get on together; the problem with this... not everybody is genetically programmed to get along. We have to try our best to accommodate for other peoples needs, respect their weaknesses and not expect to be the same person.  However I think one of the ways to get over something is just to do it, dive in at the deep end, stick your feet over the edge of the boat...


Life also isn't going to be plain sailing, sometimes the water gets a little bumpy. These are the times that will be hard, but can be overcome with PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE. (Things I am working on). These bumps need to be overcome, and will be. After all, what goes up must come down.

Eventually the river leads to the sea which is a vast body of the water but the same as what you have been sailing in from the beginning of your journey. The opportunities here are endless...which way to go? How far out do you go? Do you go alone or bring someone you've met along the way? Or do you stay on the edge of the river with what you already know? If you step out of the boat do you sink or swim?