Do it for You

"Travel, my friend. See the world, or at least some bits of it. And don't wait because you don't know what's down the road.

It's not the "big" moments you'll remember -- standing under the Eiffel Tower or the Statue of Liberty. It'll be the little moments -- watching her squeeze into a doorway in Florence trying to stay out of the rain, smelling a giant flower in Belize, or having the sunlight catch her as she walks down some side street in New York City you'll never get back to. That's where your life happens, and those are the things you'll keep close -- those few seconds that nobody else saw. Those are yours and yours only." Read this earlier before you called me, it was in the comments

Sometimes we should stop, and consider what we want from the world.

 A good job? A house? Kids? Money? Success? Love? Happiness? 

They are all possible whether one is stand alone or they are all combined.

 But for me, I want to see the world, ('at least some bits of it') before I have kids and settle down with a mortgage to pay. I want to laugh in the moonlight in a foreign country with the person I share my heard with. I want to get lost down awful side streets together, and bicker about directions. I want to lie on a beach and snorkel with fish. I want to eat pizza in Italy, and try snails in France. I want to go to Disneyland and act like a kid. I want to lay in an ice hut under the stars, I want to see the Northern Lights, I want to cosy up in Scotland and search for the Lock Ness Monster, I want to go to a full moon party in Koh Phangan, I want to volunteer with children before it comes my job.

Who knows what life will throw at me, maybe these end up distant dreams rather than reality, but they are all achievable with time and effort.

The rest will follow.

Rest finally came.

My last grandparent passed when I was in Primary Seven. I remember at the funeral I was crying a lot, I looked at my mum and dad and what strength they had to keep the tears from their eyes. More recently, a dear man I have know all my life also passed. The funeral was last December, and was the first that I had been to since my grandma's. The pain in his wife's eyes was there for all to see, but she remained composed, greeted and talked to all there with a grace and strength that i'll never forget. That day I looked at her and was in awe of her bravery.

I don't really want to write about this, but then again it's a massive life event that I never want to forget. On the 18th April 2015, my beautiful mothers 2 year battle with cancer slipped to a close.

My mum, Christine was the most inspirational person in my life and as well as being my mother, I often described her as one of my best friends.
Once diagnosed with Cancer everything happened remarkably quick and I will forever hold the nurses in the Macdermott Ward at the Ulster Hospital in my heart for the care and attention they give each patient. They would always take the time to talk to, and get to know these individuals at the hardest and most vulnerable stage of their life and while mum found going for chemo hard it helped her to know there were people who genuinely cared for her there.

Though many different chemo sessions there were many horrible side effects of treatment and though each one of these she always managed to remain positive and get through them with a smile on her face. Though out all this she continued going to sessions in her book club, bought a bike and went on many a ride with her lovely friends, bought her friends tickets to a Michael Buble concert where they all had a great night out. She supported and encouraged me on my 8 month trip to Cambodia, and while it must have been hard for her she loved hearing stories about the children and I felt support from her through my whole time there. The strength and courage she showed was one I admire so much.

Recently her discomfort was more obvious to friends and family and while she wanted to get up and go about normal business, she found her lack of ability frustrating. However when people came over she was always positive and optimistic.

On Friday 17th April, after returning home at 10.30 pm I got a call from the nurses saying mum was asking for me. As much as I was scared and hurting inside, I was glad to be there with her and I held onto her hand the whole night. At 9 in the morning she wanted me to get my brother and bring him up. Before I left, she lifted her head, looked at me said the words to me that she has said hundreds of times before 'I Love You', to which I replied  as I always did "I Love You More'.

At approximately 12 noon she passed away silently and peacefully in crisp white sheets with a ray of sunlight shining over the bed. There was no cry of pain, nor struggle of breath as I had feared. My brother and I knew, but didn't say anything. The nurses came in about ten minutes later and confirmed what we already knew. My beautiful mother was no longer with us.

After that everything is a blur. Though I felt a weird sense of relief. Relief that she was in no more pain, that she didn't have to endure hospital visits or home visits, or scans, or doctors. Relief that she no longer had to deal with her fears, anxiety's and worries. She was free from it all, and rest finally came.

I didn't speak at the funeral, as many Quakers would, and many people (quaker and non) did. My brother spoke absolutely wonderfully and I am so proud of him, and my dad spoke equally well. I felt like if I spoke I would be doing it for other people rather than myself, as the stuff I want to say and am most proud about of my mum, she wouldn't want advertised. I surprised myself though, remaining composed through the service which I didn't think I would. I mirrored the strength of my parents when I was younger and of my dear friend in December, and showed the strength my mum would have had.

Things are different now, not good. or bad. Just different.

I feel sad that my future husband never got to know her properly, that she won't get to see my brother and I graduate or have children. I am devastated that my future children/nieces/nephews will never get to meet their grandmother because I know she would have spoilt them rotten.  Though what they will have is the stories, of how lovely and kind and generous she was.

RIP my beautiful angel, be watching over us. You will forever be in our hearts and will always be my best friend. x

I was planning on getting mum a drawing made of me and her, with the words

"All I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my mother', 

I still hope to get it to remind me of the person I want to be in the future and so everyone knows that i'm only awesome because of her.